Trials
everything is trials and errors, and she’s going through it.
..but she WILL get through it!
You know what I realized? As I was about to type this essay? Last year, one of my essays was called Experiments and it was about the “creative trials” (in terms of tests and new projects) I would embark on—fun, joyful things that have now since added a lot to my life (yayyyy)!
Coincidentally I thought of the term “Trial and error” for this, today’s essay, “Trials,” in the way of: I AM GOING THROUGH IT, FOURTH-DEFINITION-IN-THE-OXFORD-DICITONARY-TYPE-ISH, a.k.a stressors and challenges and the like.
Lolll. Okay, let me tell you more:
I want June to be different.
I want to feel prepared.
I don’t want to be anxious but I AM anxious.
I’m looking for comfort and an answer to all my questions, at the same time.
I’m hoping my tea bag quotes will help me, but what even is “live by your inner knowledge and strength.”
What does that even mean???
Even my journal entries and prayers are a mesh of worry, fears, and pleadings to have a moment where I just figure everything out instantly and life makes sense.
SO as you can see, May has not been the most easy. In fact, it’s been both internally and externally strenuous. But mostly internally (sometimes I do all my best work digging ditches in my mind, LOL). And I’ve felt like I’ve repeatedly been facing a new challenge every day, new trials, presented by my mind or something outside of myself, that I really don’t know what to do about. Like a brick wall between me and the peace and clarity I need, you know?
STUDIO THINGS
If you’ve read all of the fairy floss essays, you know that I have a studio now! ahhhh yes, my very own art space.
It’s really lovely and whimsy and very me.
I’ve also been trying to do some fun creative thingies at my studio that can create lovely new connections for this fairy, as well as resources I need.
But it’s definitely been a bit tricky.
I can’t tell you much (you know a fairy loves her secrets) but I keep worrying if any of my ideas will go well or “strike magic” (like strike gold, get it?) or work out in the end.
I’m scared :(.
Nothing has really “worked” yet in the way that I would like. Sometimes it feels like it might, but then it slowly falls away into oblivion. With no magical persons taking notice or paying attention.
Sighhh. It’s definitely had me scratching my head, feeling sad, or teary-eyed. But, I won’t be giving up nor will I be giving in to dark thoughts.
(*cue STEP UP by the cheetah girls*)
I want June to be different. I want to feel different about these creative ideas for my studio: I want to turn my trepidation into excitement and hopeful expectancy.
And looking at it from a step back: Do I maybe need to redefine what “striking magic” looks like? Maybe it’s not something grandeur or big? Maybe it’s exploring an idea I’m interested in, that I enjoy. Then possibly sharing that enjoyment with others in a way that is simple and clear.
Maybe I need to give my ideas more of a chance to live outside of myself a bit. So not just in my head, but going with it and seeing what happens? Less inside my mind, and more outside where it can try to bloom something new. And only then can I make judgements/worries after, hehe.
Hmmm…I’ll work on it!
ONLINE SPACES
Outside my website, I don’t know what other online spaces are right for me.
I talked about it last essay—how I wanted to shift my online spaces around a bit, change my focus. I left Tumblr on my list of spaces I still want to be on. And I do still feel attached to it..and I was able to journal through what more I wanted to do with it. And though Idk if I have yet found that secret-sauce that works for me—my magical prism of colors that turns my tumblr into something spectacular..
I’m still working on it..
My website is still where it’s at though.
Fairy Floss is still THE ONE. I looove Fairy Floss sooo much, SO MUCH. This is my diary, for real!!! But every other online space feels “empty” a lot of times. Like the thought of having to pump out article after article, post after post, every day/every other day just to get noticed makes other online spaces so UNAPPEALING. And it really has been stressisng me out so much…like I feel so disconnected from other spaces:
Like I’m trying way too hard and it is now lABOUR!
If I am going to use social media or whatever, it has to be a space where whatever I put out there can live and grow, reaching many magical girlies, on its own. I think, in this case, I’m very quality over quantity.
(though with my fairytales and notion templates I’m more quality and quantity because they are sooo fun and i have soo many ideas and slayyy, hehehe).
I just don’t think I have it in me to be using a lot of these platforms..buuut…I will be giving youtube a try soon. Maybe it will do more for the imaginarium and Fairyland than the other places have. And yeah, I’ll continue boiling my secret sauce for Tumblr on the perpetual stove of the WWW.
So I’ll let you know.
This June, I just want to have peace with the online spaces I choose, no matter what comes of them. I want to feel sure about where I’ll keep my focus for the rest of the year.
Anxious Times
My characters and fairytale worlds bring so much joy to my life. And I am so grateful for that♥︎!!! My imagination is my safe space and a very lovely way to process what I feel.
Ahhhnd also, I have anxiety (with a bit of OCD). Sigh.
And recently (the past month or so) I’ve had bad episodes/moments of intense anxiety over certain aspects of my creativity, in terms of:
What if I’m not good/original enough? What if I won’t figure this specific teeny-tiny decision out i.e. should I change a name/keep a name. I’m scared no one will ever care about what I do, etc..
And it sometimes keeps me stuck and frozen. As we know, anxiety affects the mind and body too, no matter how silly it might seem..like it really, really sucks :(.
And yeah, I’m a tough cookie and it does pass (and there is therapy, thankyouverymuch) but if you’re someone who struggles with this, you know it’s not easy.
You know it’s exhausting. (during and after!)
It’s been really hard to know HOW to even rest or calm myself down or pull myself back to earth during those times. (Because deep diving for the solution on reddit only feeds into the fears. And the symptoms just keep on going in circles and loops, iykyk). But I really want to make that “calmness” happen this June.
I just want to write my stories in peace, and I have so much to write and say!! Even though my mind can easily become a hive of anxious thoughts, I don’t careee! ( I mean I care, but you know what I mean!), I’ll keep on! Because there’s so much magic to express. So I remain DETERMINED to figure out ways to provide safety within my own mind.
This June is all about making peace within my creative moments a PRIORITY. A non-negotiable. Meaning more habits/fail-safe plans to build peace no matter what is going on in my mind. So the fog of anxiety isn’t so thick that it makes me forget my magic. So I can have direct routes to comfort and healing, instead of drowning in my tears with no life raft in sight.
Like Kylie Cantrall said: “I put beautiful rings on the hand I’ve been given” and that’s exactly it.
(Because what else can we do?)
I want to make all my lovely little things, even with all the unknows/doubts, and I am so deeply excited to build fairyland and the fairy way galaxy..
To infinity, and beyond!
quiet intermission for the writer to get distracted with something on another tab, which by the end of this essay has happening twice now, ahahaha. okay, let’s proceed, lol.
Even with all the trials this courageous fairy has been facing, some wonderful things have helped to bring clarity, good vibes, and much needed comfort/soothing:
NAIL POLISH
I’m soooo happy to announce that I found such cool summer-y (well, my version of summer-y) nail polish at the mall!! The colors (I’m already secretly giving them names lol) are a range of swanky, joyful colors!
They may or may not cameo in my next fairytale (The one I mentioned I was working on) So just look out for it heheheh!
These nail polishes really really inspired me♥︎. I was so happy with the creative thoughts and good-vibes feelings they gave me. I bet you’re curious, but don’t worry it will be revealed later in June!
I think bright, colorful things—things that are vibrant— truly inspire my stories and my worlds, and also (thankfully) my emotions. They are so uplifting and comforting in the loveliest way. They remind me of who I am, and of my magic. And just of hopeful things in general.
(Also I kind of feel shy sharing this but yayyy!)
I just cannot wait to do my nails for Juneeee! I am sooo excited, it’s so funny but so real!!!
Potato Chips
girl, here me out.
At the stores, I found these bags of chips (three different types and flavors) that also inspired me.
LOL.
I’m loving that the physical elements of my environment are making me smile. And bringing new ideas my way.
I LOVE THE MALL AND THE STORES. SLAY.
Their packagings were very cute and had interesting color combos. And the flavors too were interesting meshes of opposites. I am already ranking them accordingly and so far nothing is yet less that 4.5 stars, yayy!
FRUIT AND YOGURT
There is a pattern here. (yummy-ness)
I got strawberries and yogurt from the store and it also made me happy.
And that’s it lol. I haven’t had them yet but I know they’ll be yummy when I do :)).
I think what this all tells me: the little moments full of little things really make me happy, and making time for them will greatly improve any situation.
In conclusion?
Even with all the trials and errors of May (And even a little before May) I found some good things, and have unlocked some new ideas just as I enter into June.
In June, I know that I want to try out a creative idea I’m interested in, for my studio (focusing on “striking magic” by doing something small and enjoyable). I also want to focus my efforts on online spaces that feel right. Plus keep building peace routinely, even in the face of anxiety.
And finally, finally, to note that those good things I’ve found—yummy snacks, sweet fruit, colorful nail polish ♥︎ —are all a reminder, that even with all the trials I face..I will find magic and magic will find me.
Even in the littlest of ways.
Yes, I will be sure to pay more attention to this side of things, this coming June.
Shall we do that together, magical girl?
your favorite fairy,
Anastasia
