Plot
Losing it..and finding it again.
It’s 2am..I’m drained, anxious, stressed, and buzzing with weird energy.
I reach over for the love of my life (my laptop), ready to pull up a blank notion page to type something brilliant. Something that will get me out of my funk. Maybe an idea that will wipe out all the overwhelm. A magnificent download of ingenuity that would take away the giant neon sign hovering over my head, blinking:
“IDK WHAT TO DO!!!”
But then, all of a sudden, I feel like crying.
One—my mind is against me, running circles trying to find solutions to problems I didn’t know I had. Two—I’m so sleep deprived but I can’t clam down long enough to close my eyes. And three—what hope even is there??(my mind is very sad rn).
Lately this has been happening quite a bit, and only recently did I decide to tackle it.
“It” being the fact that, when I looked at some of my imaginarium channels (Tumblr + Pinterest), I felt like something was deeply missing.
And finally, finally I have figured it out and have plans to find success in navigating them!
For context, let me explain..
You see, the only place that has been feeling right for my imaginarium—and when I say “right” I mean, aligned with/in the imaginarium’s intention—is Fairy Floss.
Why?
Because on Fairy Floss I feel so free!
As you know, I publish an essay on this blog, routinely, (please crown me queen consistent!), and talk about what’s on my mind through a single word that I’ve been focusing on. Or through a single word I come up with, I get to freely talk about what’s on my mind (trust me, there’s a difference in that order).
Here, I can be myself with intention—both to understand myself better (plus hopefully give some little guidance, here and there, to help you understand yourself better), and to bask in the spirit of the imaginarium. (And that spirit, by the way, is all about whimsy joy, girlish nonsense, dreams/daydreaming, fairytales, and having, like, a million thoughts on life.)
I really do love♥︎ it here, and I am super proud of all the little discoveries that I have made simply by typing out my fairy thoughts and sparkling feelings.
However, outside of Fairy Floss (and apart from my fairytales and my cute digital items) every other space feels so…
like falling into a bottom less abyss with nothing to hold on to and no light and no landing.
Just falling…falling and crying your eyes out.
Let’s explore one of the main contenders (lol)—
Tumblr
I’ve been on Tumblr for the imaginairum, for almost 2 years now. And I have found it quite hard to “build community” as they say. Or what I prefer to call (in my hopes and dreams) “hold hands and skip around fairyland with fellow magical girlies!”
In the beginning of using Tumblr, I was nervous but super excited to post and start making connections.
(There’s a nostalgic factor to it that I love and just the overall aesthetic)
I sent something out every day but at some point I got fatigued and dissapointed. I didn’t feel like anyone on there truly cared.
People were barely interacting with me, talk less of leaving Tumblr to explore the imaginarium. Eventually, I think about a year or so in, I decided to take a break and create a new Tumblr: just posting randomly and trying to get a feel for what my posting style could be like.
I’m a type of girl blogger—but not like the genre of girl blogging Tumblr expected. I’m a whimsy magical girl—but perhaps not the meme-coated, GIF induced type that Tumblr enjoyed.
So I would pour my heart out into a post, only to get 2 likes. But then someone else would post “I love spaghetti” and it was in the millions…something was off.
Did ppl on Tumblr only care about spaghetti?!
(Jk, jk! Probably not. Though, I too love spaghetti. Also, I’m compeltely making up the spaghetti quote. LOL. I bet someone has actually said that on there at some point. I wouldn’t be surprised. It’s all very light hearted. Okay, but I digress)
Or did people just not know I existed? Or why I existed?
I tried studying other blogs (‘cause idk, maybe I was doing something super wrong and needed to learn from them??)
But nothing felt right (though, I suppose I did learn a few things about tumblr culture). And then soon, comparison, shame, and fear that I was a failure, came over me. Funny enough, the new Tumblr did better than my old one in some ways(which so pisses me off, because tell me why two years and no growth, but suddenly three months and I have more than the two years?? eww). Buuut I still had that same feeling..like something was just off.
I now realize, that I had been trying so hard to figure out what I needed to do to find my people…that I completely forgot to ask all the other more insightful, more useful quetsions:
How did I want to show up? What did I want to do with this space? What would make me actually feel joy in being here? Did I even want to be on here? What was this for again??
“Ana, what is the point of all this??? LOL.”
I had been too busy throwing everything at the wall, hoping something stuck, that I couldn’t see that I did NOT like that wall!!
In fact, I wanted a new wall!
And I wanted it to be pink and fun and zany.
I wanted the wall to SPEAK to me. To reflect my actual desires and curiosity. To give anyone walking past that wall true insight on the girl behind the imaginarium—in a super fun, cool, unserious, and silly way.
Essentially...I needed to go tear that wall down and build one that mattered to me!
The same went for Pinterest…
I also remembered something someone said (in fact I think a few YouTubers I watched) about being a small business owner—which is weirdly a part of what I am, lol. One said that, eventually, things become easy (managing, marketing, community building etc). And that you need to ask yourself what is sustainable, what you want from something. Versus getting lost in the sauce of desperation and gloom.
So I sat down recently, and took the wall down: through lots of journaling and plotting on notion like my life depended on it!
In doing so, I found out that:
A. I Will Be On Hiatus From My Imaginarium’s Pinterest Account
Yes, I’m saying goodbye to it (for now).
I don’t want to use it anymore. Lol.
I loooveee Pinterest in my personal life. It is such a safe space for me. It’s a homeee!!
If you’re a Pinterest girlie, you KNOW.
When I created a Pinterest account for my imaginarium…it just felt SO awful to use it in that mode of “promoting.”
Even posting quotes stressed me out. I pushed through and kept going but wow I just didn’t want to do it. Even though I acknowledge that I’m a small business owner as well as a magical world maker… something about using it in that “formal” way is so UNCOMFY.
It’s just not what Pinterest is about!
(And IMO Pinterest is about inspiration, free will, and building your aesthetics and personal mood boards and gathering all the cute things you like. Like how they say, it’s the girlies “daily newspaper”).
So for now, I’m excommunicating that account from my life, until a real purpose of joy comes into play with it, and prompts me to seek it out again.
Yes and yes!
B. Tumblr Has To Adjust…Hardcore.
And I Will Adjust It.
..or die trying, lol! (jk, jk).
This is not just about figuring out what I want to post on that whirlwind of a site, but my mindset on it.
I was simply NOT having fun before. At all.
And I needed to have fun.
I always need to have fun, lol. Sorry not sorry.
I also hadn’t defined what I wanted to use it for. And I love it enough to figure it out.
Plus, I think I’ve finally been able to figure it out, yay, through all that journaling and plotting I mentioned earlier that I ended up doing.
So, with this pretty good starter-pack plan (haha, like in a video game) which will be revealed in time, and [actually] fun new ideas, I’m pleasantly excited about tumblr again!
I can’t wait to see how it goes. :)
stay tuned!
C. I Will Start A Youtube Channel
Ahhhh!!! I know, I too can’t believe it.
I’m excited but so scared. But so excited! Because I have such intriguing ideas for it. Well, intriguing in my realm of magical girl silliness and joy!
I think it will fill that hole that the dreaded Pinterest account made. Or maybe it isn’t about fillinf the hole, but turning it into a cute little cave…filled with twinkling lights and good vibes! Hehe! Love that.
It’s not just ideas I’m having, but joyful thoughts towards what it could be—I have been working/dabbling on them, lalala-ing away, and I’m excited about the kind of energy I want to put out there into the ‘tubes!
On Youtube, I will post once a month (because I love monthlies) and I will enjoy it.
Ha! Both a declaration and an affirmation.
And in all of these points (A-C, and anything in between), I will continue to ask myself, more and more as I create:
“What do I enjoy and want to share? What is truly sustainable and fun and full of insight into my magical realms and mind?”
And then I will do just that.
intermission
I am learning that I want to build insight, in each of these spaces (new and old). So that, not only do I develop a deeper understanding of the plot (what the imaginarium is about, my whimsy tales, all the cute things I create to build this magical world etc.) but so do my readers (that’s you, babe!).
I want every Tumblr post and every YouTube video to give you a sense of what to expect here. From my mind and my world. I want fellow magical girls to just feel that wonderful uplifting feeling that says “Ahhh, what fun and magic!”
I also want you girlies to feel inspired and happy and laugh-out-loud-y, no matter what you’re going through.
Because I feel that way in my worlds and imagination!
D. I Need To Have..
My Secret Personal Things.
I think one of the reasons why I felt like “Ana we’re losing the plot!” was because, on top of the other things listed above that need to be changed or added to the plot, I had not been given myself space to breathe!
I am a hard worker.
..Bursting with ideas, anxiety, whimsy delusions and energy (until I’m drained of it) at all times. And because I had been so focused and desperate to “succeed” in all these digital spaces—and even in other offline moments—I hadn’t made time for coming back to myself.
I need enough time for comfort, quiet days, and enjoying something without worrying about tomorrow!
So I’ve decided, in this coming month of May, I will be making time for my secret personal things that are healing and grounding.
I’m keeping it to myself (I love secrets) and making it just for me. But just know that:
It’s full of activities I love, it’s a space that brings me new ideas and grounding-ness, it’s oddly nostalgic, and filled with wonder.
And it’s perfectly perfect for me♥︎
Truly it always has been, it’s just that, now, I can and am ready to visit it once again.
But of course in all this, I do need some structure, some planning system, which brings me to E..
E. I Need To Organize
Feeling scattered was adding a lot of cloudiness and stress to the plot. And now I know I need more structure.
But I will not be doing the thing I tend to do—overhauling my entire current system—because I know it will lead to more cloudiness and cluelessness as to how to move forward.
Instead I will be adding structure and understanding (that word again) to my already-there system. The priorities are: 1) prevent constant rechecking of different spaces to figure out what to do next, so making sure I know exactly where to check for info on projects/next steps. And b) create more ease around planning i.e. a hub that pulls things in one place, a calendar I can always see, etc.
As you know, I love digital organization, but sometimes I find that the digital is organizing me (and not in a good way). LOL. So I really want to step back, figure out what’s working, understand what’s not, and make it better!
Yay!
I won’t lie this is a little easier said than done.
But I am focusing, once again, on not overhauling my current organization/palnning system. But more so polishing it, so it works better for me and helps me feel less scattered. And like I know where to go next.
This means all of the above points (now A-D, hehe), finding themselves scheduled, planned, and placed inside the system in a way that is incredibly digestible, doable, and fun for me! So, to the structure that produces feelings of grounded-ness in me:
I’m on my way to you, baby!
F. Other Things I Have Found That I Need To Start Doing (And Things You Can Try As Well) To Stabilize The Plot
Sleep more! When I’m stressed I don’t sleep well, I really need to sleep more. More naps, earlier bed times. It’s something I struggle with because my mind doesn’t turn off easily which brings me to…
Put down all the thoughts out your head then straight to bed, I say. (Lol!)
Eat when I’m hungry instead of putting it off because I’m trying to “focus.” Hellooo, I’m usually STARVING by the time I get to the kitchen, with such low energy. Boo, I need to do better!
Surround myself with creature comforts/visit comfort spaces more frequently. ( i.e. journals, going to places I like, objects/accesories that are so me, etc..)
Find an incredibly simple, two-step routine (day or night or both. But honestly it doesn’t have to be both, let’s start small, lol) that brings me peace of mind. (I.e. wash face + put lipgloss on. Slayyy done and done)
Read a book you love. Or honestly just pick it up and look at it, smell the pages. I love doing that. Silly but comforting♥︎.
Ice cream, babe! Lol, I wish I was joking, but I love ice cream very much. And it definitely stabilizes the plot (even for just a few hours, teehee. though whether this is a need or a want is up to you!)
Slowly, I’ve been finding my plot again. Designing (and re-designing my paths) with as much free will, intentionality, and joy as I can.
Sometimes I don’t expect the plot twist of my overwhelming emotions, or some random thing outside of me pops up that I can’t control, etc. But I am learning that I can take charge of where I want to be and how I want to be there.
So the path forward becomes so much clearer, and full of insight on a future I actually want!
Does that make sense? Hehe.
I really hope it does for you!
I hope that you can apply any little thing from this essay in your life. Maybe there are some digital spaces that you need to let go of (temporarily or indefinetely)! Maybe to find your plot again (or change it all together) you need to give yourself more time to breathe and relax and be still. Or maybe you just need a vacation to Europe or something!!
Whatever and whichever it is, babe, I hope you figure it out (keep that faith going!!). And find that you had the pieces all along…you just needed to put them together in your own special way!
♥︎Wishing you clarity and good vibes♥︎
Until we meet again, magical girl!
Sincerely,
Anastasia
