Trudging through slime to find the fortress of glitter
It has truly been, for lack of a better term:
a ★GHASTLY★ month.
Okay yeah, I’m being dramatic.
Maybe a dash of hyperbole exists in my current state of affairs (a.k.a my MIND), but the emotional, untethered see-saw I’ve been hanging on to has been both hilarious and concerning.
This fairy is mentally EXHAUSTED (one day I’ll do an essay just about that alone):
She’s wading through a gunky slime-swamp, with slime up to her chin and ears, and it’s barely missing her mouth (And gosh there goes her lip gloss!). But she’s GOT to keep going and she refuses to sink, because the fortress of glitter is just there; so close, shining its brilliant light
FLASH FLASH, SPARKLE SPARKLE.
Waiting for her.
And this is how my month went:
Part 1 of THE SLIME:
◉ The Ickiness of Prying Eyes ◉
I’ve been feeling as though I’m being watched.
You know what? I KNOW I’m being watched.
As I twiddle my thumbs at my imaginarium and other fairy side projects, I feel as though I can’t seem to shake the judgement from others.
People being nosy. People needing to know what I’m doing and why I’m doing it. Needing to know why I’m going at the pace I’m going at.
I feel so ICKY being watched. It’s like these hidden eyes are waiting for me to fail.
And I know that sounds dastardly (this isn’t a television show, I know) and maybe it’s my own projections—after all the fear of failure has been stubborn recently. I’ve found myself being scared at times and sad and overwhelmed this month and also disappointed—but it feels that way.
I wonder if the exhaustion I’m experiencing is from the nonstop, relentless analyzing going on in my mind, of what those eyes believe they are seeing (or what I think they believe they are seeing).
Do I agree with those mean eyes? Are they correct that I don’t have the strength to reach the fortress?
(ah yes the questions)
Eyebrows are raised, smirks are hovering invisible, but there: What exactly does she think she’s doing? Those eyes seem to say.
I wish I could turn to them and shout and scream:
I’M DOING EXACTLY WHAT I THINK I’M DOING AND I’M GOING TO BLOODY SUCCEED. FREE ME FROM YOUR USELESS LOOKS AND BURY YOUR LITTLE IRISES IN THE GROUND BECAUSE I WILL NOT GIVE UP ON MY DREAMS AND ON THE LIFE I WANT. I DON’T CARE HOW YOU FEEL I DONT CARE WHAT YOU THINK. I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU BELIEVE. I KNOW WHAT I BELIEVE AND I’VE DECIDED THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT’S GOING TO HAPPEN: ME BRINGING DREAMY MAGICAL VISIONS TO LIFE. SO PISS OFF AND STAY GONE.
But then I find my voice chokes up a little, so I quickly turn away and go into my room to silently cry (or a bit loudly really, in the shower) because no matter how much faith I have, the doubt still taunts me and still I worry so much about everything that moves and blinks past me.
Why can’t people just believe in me? Why can’t I feel and be supported? Where is the ever green solid ground as I walk on my strange mystical path through the forest? Sighhhhhhhh.
I’m working on it. Maybe I’ll make the above earlier commentary in all caps as an affirmation in itself.
Part 2 of THE SLIME:
◎ The Wrongness of Other People’s Weighty and Misaligned Expectations ◎
Outside of the digital world, I love working on cute projects and side thingamajigies that make me happy to be alive. I also want to be able to support myself financially through some of these projects that bring me joy.
This past month has been an onslaught of other people’s opinions and expectations about what I want to do with my life and how I want to earn a living.
Here’s a Tumblr draft I made, but haven’t posted yet that thoroughly sums up how I feel:
These moments feel never ending: emphasis on judgmental, strange, shifty, rude, and just bad vibes never ending.
Weird moments where I sense that people are actively trying to discourage me and bring me down in my endeavors.
It always feels subtle. Which is what leaves me confused and hurt. It’s also odd (not in a good way); because sometimes I’m “praised” for doing what I love, and at the same time dragged under for being different. There’s also the whole being told to (essentially) stop being myself or to be more like what others want/expect. To become something else, that isn’t me, only to fit other ppl’s perspective of what “makes sense” and what they are used to seeing.
:(
I’ve never been able to look at someone building their dreams and just dump goo all over them; just step on all the building blocks they’ve carefully made and condescendingly tell them that it’s not really working, or dissuade them from continuing, or try to push my own ideas onto them (I really detest this last one).
But it seems a lot of people out there enjoy doing this.
Like babe, how about YOU do what YOU want and leave me the heck alone. I don’t need your ideas forced onto me, I just want to bring mine to life. How can you come into someone’s space (willingly, might I add) to see what they’re doing, only to dismiss it.
Why are you here then??? Why did you show up at MY front door if you didn’t care or if this wasn’t for you and you didn’t vibe with it? Why are you coming to me to tell me how unimpressed you are while simultaneously expressing admiration? Which one is it? Why do people’s vibes somehow, subtly, SOUR when you’re doing something, well, wonderful?
Is this envy? Are they angry? Are they dissatisfied with their lives? You came to judge me and tell me what to do while I’m already doing something that matters to me, but for whose benefit? Because I know it wasn’t mine. Which brings me to…
Part 1 of THE FORTRESS OF GLITTER:
Maybe I’m Not [that] Indecisive;
I Know What To Do!
So referring to that Tumblr draft, This part really stands out to me and makes me smile a little:
because i used to think i was indecisive but now i'm starting to realize other people are the indecisive ones.
And maybe it’s partially cathartic.
Sometimes when I’m doubting and stressing and fretting I sort of forget all my why’s and hopes. I essentially become too focused on worrying about them instead of enjoying that they exist and that I am bringing them to life.
Furthermore (lol not me using this word right now), I think during those moments of stress, I enter a tidal wave sized spiral of anxiety which leads to a sense of indecision.
Suddenly I’m “stuck” and curling up in a ball.
But, when I had that UNFORTUNATE ENCOUNTER that led to the frustrated Tumblr post I realized… I’m not indecisive!!!!
(hehe, the frustration led me to this realization)
Yes, I’m anxious and stressed, but I DO know what to do. I know what I WANT. I know who I AM. Even when I feel lost or uncertain or like I can’t make a decision, I find my footing; because my dreams and inner magic light up and reveal what I’ve always known all along (like my own personal compass-fireflies!).
When that UNFORTUNATE ENCOUNTER took place, I was so upset afterwards and very sad. I cried even. I felt so down and I was so angry. But the same thought was there: Why don’t other people want me to be myself? Why is someone so quick to discourage and generate confusion as I walk down my path?
Different doesn’t mean fallible or unacceptable. so why are they so determined to force me to belong in their dull perspective of the world?
And drumroll:
Because maybe they are the ones who don’t know what they want!!!
They are the ones who admire uniqueness but hide behind the norm and then subconsciously (or worse, consciously) judge someone for their uniqueness.
Maybe the reason It’s easy for them to belittle your hopes and dreams is because they’ve been belittling theirs, (I mean I’m just assuming this but it feels like it!).
Yes, I do struggle with indesicion sometimes, especially with certain things (fellow OCD girlies, please rise) but when I wade through the slime, the fortress DOES EXIST.
When I shake it off like a wet dog (“it” being other people’s expectations, mean comments, unnecessary quips, condensation, evilness), I finally see myself clearly in a pool of hazel water: CRYSTAL FLIPPING CLEAR!
SO! Perhaps it is my duty now, as my fairy self, to gather this notion and new found understanding up as a shield for any time I unfortunately run into other people’s negativity.
Fortifying myself as I make my way to the fortress (hehe).
I need to fortify myself! Remind myself that I know what to do. Even when I’m scared, even when I’m not sure, even when I truly don’t know. There IS a knowing within me anyways. The MOST important knowing (forever inside me, beating in my heart, living in my soul) which always brings me back to these beautiful, beautiful dreams that are so deserving of being realized.
I am so deserving of a life that I love and enjoy; a life where I get to be the whole of myself <3.
(Not a caricature, or someone’s preferred version, or insert parent’s favorite whatever; ME, as my whole self)
(okay I might be crying a little now, lol, it’s been such a icky month for real.)
Part 2 of THE FORTRESS OF GLITTER
Delusional, Imaginary, Phantasmal, and All of the Above Synonyms = Space Girl Optimism!
Space grill optimism is..
a temperamentally ridiculous state of mind in which all dreams, desires, and impossible tasks are approached with maddening enthusiasm.
a.k.a the mindset a girl needs to have to achieve the impossible.
It’s a term I came up with at the beginning of building my imaginarium, just before all my fairytale ideas came flooding through. And it is sooo important.
Every time I have a dream, a hope, or a magical desire to create something that comes from me, it’s like a key made of stars materializes.
And each time I take a step into the dream, the key turns in the lock of a door that opens into a delightful new world.
Believing in the imaginary. Being delusional. Staying Phantasmal; Believing that somehow, every magical thing will, not only work out but blossom wildly like a giant garden in a secret alcove: that’s what I’ll be doing.
Fairyland is where I’’ll be.
Channeling my Space Girl Optimism, and moving forwards no matter how scared, no matter how shaky.
Making a way where there wasn’t before.
I’ll be journaling, praying, feeling my feelings (maybe a little cry, or a lot, here and there), taking breaks, and then taking action with faith in my heart.
Whatever is delusional, whatever is ridiculous:
Girl, I’m on my way.
Like Spacey once said:
“I don’t care what anyone says. It’s possible. I’ll find my way to the moon and fly among the stars.”
I hope to see you there too, babe.
Forever magical and eternally expectant of better days ahead,
Anastasia
PS: the part of this essay about “knowing what to do” reminds me of this blog post I read very recently. Like two days ago, lol. And now I’m thinking it might have influenced this train of thought in my own essay (I don’t know all the ways my mind might have absorbed it, but it possibly did, so I feel I should mention it. Also I want to give credit/reference, if ever I need to, even if it’s small connections that nobody else sees but me, because my anxiety, lol). I know that here, I’m talking about a sense of knowing yourself and believing in your dreams and who you are on the inside (as an internal source of comfort and motivation when things go haywire❤︎), but I do think that it kind of connects to this blog post which talks, in depth, about what to do when you feel stuck in life/work etc, and learning to change how you speak to yourself, and how that frees you from being stuck and helps you to start finding solutions. All of which I NEEDED (given all that happened this month) and really just LOVE! And it was so insightful and I found myself practicing the tips in my head the past few days!
